Wednesday, March 2, 2011

There's No Place Like Homo

I recently did a reading at Webster’s Wine Bar in Chicago for 2nd Story, where I was honored to have a good turnout of my fabulous friends.  The second night one of the other storytellers remarked, “I’ve come to the conclusion that any good looking guy who comes up the stairs is here to see YOU”.  Yep, it’s true…..all of the hot boys of Chicago came to see yours truly, mostly paired off with other hot boys.  Since I was old enough to sneak out of the house and drink Zima, I have attracted more homos than you can shake a dick at.  Before the term “fag hag” jumps into your head, let’s replace it with my friend Heather’s kinder, gentler, “fag mag”….as in the fags are magnetically drawn to me.  For thirty plus years now, I’ve had instant chemistry with dudes who quickly ask, “You know I’m gay, right?”  Bitch, please.  I saw you checking out the waiter’s ass.  And I noticed your ears perk up when they started playing Culture Club.  And you’re wearing your sister’s Jordache jeans.  And if you found me in a sea of people for no apparent reason…. wait for it….YOU’RE FUCKING GAY.
Why do they find me?  I’m not completely sure, but most likely it has to do with the peace I’ve made with my masculine side….I often run around disheveled, I like vulgar jokes, I get loud after a few drinks, generally speaking my mind in a voice so low that customer service people refer to me as “Sir” on the telephone.  I don’t really follow the “Nice Girls Act Like This” rules, mostly because I’ve perceived them as being NO DAMN FUN AT ALL.  Sure, straight guys might be unamused.  But do I want to hang out with some guy looking for a prissy girl or do I want to talk shit and dance to Madonna?  Your mileage may vary, but I pick B every time.
Why do I love the gay boys back with all my heart?  Easy.  They hold the secrets of the universe.  They have better relationships than any of my straight friends for a good handful of reasons.  Among my gay friends, the following are true:  They have mutual respect for each other.  They like to have fun.  They are romantic and thoughtful.   And here’s a biggie, THEY ARE WILLING TO ADMIT THEY WANT TO FUCK OTHER PEOPLE.  Straight people seem to have this ridiculous notion that they are supposed to want to only screw one person forever and ever.  NOT POSSIBLE.  I’m not saying monogamy isn’t a great goal, but let’s admit that it’s difficult.  Seriously.  Everyone THINKS about getting a little strange now and then, gay couples are willing to put those cards on the table and even play them sometimes.  And I’d venture to guess that they cheat less because of it.  It’s like if you’re on a diet and all you can think about is the forbidden cake.  If everyone says you can eat the cake, somehow your obsession with the cake wanes.  Also they give a shit about what they look like.  I’m not talking six pack abs and manscaping here….it’s just nice to see a general fashion sense.  When I was in Paris, I thought “how can every man on the Metro be gay?”  Then I realized that was my assumption as they were all wearing dress shoes.  Kind of a sad state of affairs.  I’m all for being comfortable, to be sure, but if you’re going on a date with a gal, would it kill you to not wear a T-shirt you’ve had since high school?  If you even had an iota of an idea of the prep we do to ourselves if we even think we might sleep with you (plucking, waxing, shaving, moisturizing, perfuming, push up bras, Spanx, high heels, ETC!), you’d hopefully agree that you should put forth a little effort to be presentable.
They also are great listeners and great advisers on all things sex related.  No one’s going to tell you how to suck a dick better than a guy with a dick who sucks dick.  It’s like the Holy Grail of dick data.  I’m just sayin’. 
I did some work with some friends here in Chicago with It Gets Better Project a few months back, where the participants told stories of bullying and abuse that they were subjected to growing up because they were gay or even just "different"...we all know that still goes on today.  The fact that assholes like the Donald and Rush Limbaugh are against gay marriage when they themselves trade in their wives as often as they trade in their cars is hypocrisy on the highest level and Elton John should have to turn in his gay card for playing Rush’s wedding.  Or at least write “Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word”  ten thousand times on the blackboard.  If you are a parent, you need to rail against this bullshit.  Quoting the fantabulous Maya  Angelou…” Prejudice is a burden that confuses the past, threatens the future and renders the present inaccessible.”   We all have to pick our battles, but those who espouse a bunch of ignorance fueled venom should not be tolerated.
Not sure if any straight guys have even made it to the end of this, but you can learn a few things from our gay friends.  If I can embrace my masculine side, you can embrace your feminine side.  It’s okay to smell good and like dumb songs on the radio and be a good dancer and talk about your feelings (I assume you have some) and let your guard down.  And for Team Vagina, if you’re feeling low, go out to the nearest gay bar you can find, order a drink, and start dancing.  You’ll soon be surrounded by hot guys who love you enough to tell you that your ass does indeed look fat in those pants and you are going NOWHERE with that hair.  And you will love them for it.

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