Doing much thinking about relationships lately…still slightly disillusioned after having a long term plan go up in smoke. Don’t get me wrong, being on my own is the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I’ve seriously discovered a shit ton of previously unknown super powers. Also really hell bent on pumping up the ladies of my life, making them realize their worth as individuals. Which brings us to the men folk. You know I love you. I love the way you think, the way you value your intelligence, your fearlessness, your strength, your dirty minds, your big hugs, and the way you smell. I can’t live without you and the way you make me feel, not to mention your ability to read a map and fix shit. However, after a little dabble in the dating scene, I must say….WOW. I’m coming to grips with the fact that my age combined with my profession is making it far more likely that I’ll be killed in a terrorist attack than get married, a statistic that I’m growing more and more okay with by the minute. Every day that I do my own thing I think how magical it is to make all of my own decisions about my time, my money, what’s for dinner, what’s on television, where to go on vacation….and if I never hear another person’s snooze alarm again, it will be too soon. I feel like everyone else who is unattached probably feels the same way, hence the great divide. How does one renegotiate the rules of personal engagement? I feel fortunate having been in relationship that was rock solid, even if it proved that the concept of “forever” has some serious flaws. Perhaps I should just be happy on the couch with my white wine, my remote control, and my lack of real world responsibilities. But I can’t help but think that a life without romantic love is not a life fully lived. Dating, however, has not been as glamorous as the brochure made it seem….it feels like auditioning for a show I'd rather not be involved with, either as a cast member or even in the audience. But I know love is a contest that you must be present to win, so I refuse to give up.
I'm not looking for a pep talk. I want to know why it's all so difficult, when presumably we all want the same thing, to love and be loved in return. Or do we?
Don't Stop Believing, E.
ReplyDeleteI think I disagree love is a contest you must be present to win--just based on my observations. It seems almost like those least present win the most. If you don't need it, you get it. And, conversely, even if you try to be absent, you can still lose big.
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